I want the truth!
You can't handle the truth!
There was no denying it any longer. My wife officially worked for Burning Man. This meant that the endless raves and pyrotechnic dreams would be fading off into the horizon. Meeting Man will become the new reality and she needed transportation.
Given the unflattering and limiting proposition of a bicycle, I offer a solution. She recoiled in fear when I pointed to the ugly duckling that I suggested become her chariot. Against her better judgment, she entrusted me to the task of training the misfit for its new role.
Sebastian had a difficult life. Being the bastard child of a dump truck and a three wheeler, he just never really fit in. He had difficulty from the beginning. He needed help with even basic task that were simple and straightforward for other children. Even trying to load himself on a trailer, the ramps provided absolutely no support for his front tire.
Then one day, I came across Sebastian and seeing his fortitude in the face of struggle and the fact that he had survived since the mid-80s to today, when even bands like Twisted Sister are all but forgotten, I did what only a loving forklift could do and picked him up and took him home.
Time had not been easy on him. Both of his clutches were broken, and he eventually even needed an engine transplant. However, he prospered on the farm, never complaining, using his 10 hp it a way that bigger machines would envy.
Then one foggy chilly eve, out of the shop I came to say, Sebastian with your frame so light, can I cannibalize you for my vision tonight?
Then all the other children would have loved him, had had they not years ago been ground-up and melted down for scrap metal.
Sebastian, inspired by trains yet insufficient in every possible way, I fired up SolidWorks and designed a Fury Road inspired cow catcher for his front end. He would never be a real train but he would finally get the love he deserved.
After ripping the model out of CAD and degrading the file into a DXF, I downloaded what was left of it into the CAM computer and let the plasma cutter do its dirty work. On to the welding table, and in a glimmer of light, the cow catcher was forged out of darkness and welded together almost straight.
Mounted on his front end, he was so excited to show off his new attachment that he immediately went off to climb the first dirt pile he saw and claim King of the Hill. He quickly ran into the pile instead of going up it and became stuck and embarrassed. Excitement quickly turned to depression and he cried himself to sleep.
The rest of the story gets a little blurry after this, however Sebastian's spirit will live on forever, or at least until he is recycled.
